Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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