For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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