oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
