If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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