i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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