Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
