Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
MIDGETS
????
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
