dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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