Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
40s are totally the cure
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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