Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
