Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
