I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I'm having to shit out rocks
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
