I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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