Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Randomize
