im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
