God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
