I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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