when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
