it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
