If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Found the puke drawer
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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