it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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