Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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