i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
