My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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