I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
And then my night got REAL pukey
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
