I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
