New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
