Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
