Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
There r osticjed everywhere
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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