Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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