Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
