i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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