I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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