Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
