Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
