these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
