Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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