My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
