Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
this beer tastes like vomit already
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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