i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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