I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
