probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
