I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
