I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
