end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
