I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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