I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
