I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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