you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
