doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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