three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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