my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
