saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
