he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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